I am a planner. For those of you who know me, that fact comes out in, oh, about 5 seconds after introduction. Got a group needing to be seated at the restaurant? I will work with the host to find the best table. Looking for ideas to serve for a dinner party? I might have some suggestions. My helping ways may be a bit annoying at times, but I mean well. And I like doing it.
That's why this cancer thing has me thrown for a loop. Never mind the fact that I really have no idea how this will work out (will I go into remission for years or will I suffer bout after bout of recurrence?). Weirdly, at this point, the most troubling aspect of Stage IV lite breast cancer of the liver for me is not the fear of death but my total inability to make plans.
I had several post-chemo appointments. An appointment on June 2 to add to a tattoo in progress on my leg. Had to reschedule that once I found out I needed 6 more chemo treatments. I had a plan to get my nose pierced in the middle of May. Have to put that off. Trying to plan a time to fly back to Wisconsin to help fulfill my sister's burial wish of setting a head stone and then having a memorial picnic. I have no idea when to schedule that. All of this inability to plan is driving me nuts. This unexpected extra chemos and throw the plans out news threw me
down so hard, I laid in my house alone from Sunday to Tuesday, not
speaking a word to a soul. I was depressed. Very depressed. Thank goodness for anti anxiety drugs, an anti depressant, and friends with listening ears, once I started talking. And thank God I talked to a woman who has been going through chemo for 2 and a half years. That gave me perspective.
Another thing I like to plan is the chemo watch days for these hopefully last several chemo therapies (I ask a friend to spend the night of chemo and the night after because I'm afraid of having a delayed reaction to the chemotherapy.) Plus, these two-night friendly visits really helps boost my morale by making me feel less alone in breast cancer. I am grateful for all who have helped so far. Very grateful.
Anyway, when I was first told I needed more chemo, I was terrified to ask for additional help, that I was a burden. Then my lovely friend Deborah told me to get over feeling like a burden and ask for help. So I asked. Some people did respond right away, but others have been trickling in over time. I originally interpreted this as "people are sick of me and tired of helping me all the time." This might be true for some folks but obviously not everyone. And frankly, it's okay to be tired of helping. I get tired too so go ahead and take a break.
What I didn't realize was the possibility that people may not respond right away, but instead respond at the time the help is needed., My Uncle Mike called on Wednesday and volunteered to sleep over this Friday after chemo. God bless Uncle Mike and Aunt Carole. They're a package of blessing for me. My friends Deborah and Carole emailed last night, volunteering to sleep over this Saturday night, the day after chemo. Deborah and Carole, another package of blessing. My friend Jo Ann called and volunteered to come to chemo with me, and since this chemo session started at 10:30, going straight over lunch, she fetched lunch for us both--there'd be no way I could take the IV pole to the local sandwich shop. Jo Ann is another blessings friend.
But wait. There's more. My nephew Josh will be flying in from Wisconsin May 17 to cover that chemo weekend, and another nephew Ben will be flying in from Minneapolis the next weekend to cover that weekend's chemo watch. I have other friends who have not signed up yet but said they will. I can't tell you how much it helps to know that people care enough about me to help and to work to get me through this. I am truly, truly, truly lucky and blessed.
The main point though is that none of this help came the way I typically prefer to work, everything planned and scheduled well ahead of time. Because things weren't going the way I usually do things, I went straight to "nobody loves me" and "I'm a burden". But the help is coming, just when it's needed, in a one day at time kind of way.
I don't believe in a higher power who sends lessons (I'll never forget the AA meeting I attended where a woman expressed hurt and anger regarding her friend's recent breast cancer diagnosis and then she said once she realized God was sending her friend a lesson, she felt better -- I thought, I don't want to sit anywhere near that woman because I might be sent a horrible less too).
This metastasized breast cancer ain't no sent lesson. But I do see how I am being forced to learn to live life truly one day at a time and learning to trust that just because everything doesn't all fall into place in my planned kind of way, that doesn't mean the help will never come and that the love isn't there. I am an unwillingly-converted one day at a time kind of gal now. I have no choice. If I can add trusting that the help will come, after I've done the foot work of asking, to my conversion then that would be fabulous. Let's face it. I am apparently not the Universe's social worker and organizer. I am just a mere bozo on the bus, and I gotta learn to trust that when I pull the cord, telling the driver to stop at the next bus shelter, she will stop and let me gently step off the bus, rather than ignore me, forcing me to take a leap off the speeding boss, dropping into a roll to land on the side of the road.
The lesson? I do have many wonderful friends and family and they are helping and they do care about me. The second lesson? Just because that help doesn't come in a the way I expect, doesn't mean it's not coming and that I am not loved. I am cared for. I am helped. And I am grateful beyond words.
Thank you to everyone who has helped. Your kindness has truly meant the world to me and made it possible for me to continue down this hard road to recovery. You all are my support and my strength. Volunteer any damn point you want. I will stop assuming things. And I only hope you know how much I love you back.
And, oh, you got problems or an illness? I got yer back and will help in any way that I can.
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